In another universe, I've typed up all the brilliant things that happened in 2022, and this newsletter dropped on New Year's Eve. My Instagram #TopNine is on the grid - filled with all the good sneakers, coffee and cycling that happened, and I'm a picture of health in each square.
In reality, I'm sitting on my sofa in a tracksuit, with The Banshees of Inisherin on in the background. It's not as glam, but that's no bad thing, as I love a tracksuit, and Colin Farrell makes for excellent movie-watching. But I'm thankful to be in my home on New Year's Day, recovering after a nasty infection that knocked several shades out of my lungs, eyes and right ear and put me in Newham Hospital earlier in the week.
This situation, as lame as it sounds, is alright with me. This underwhelming finish to the year has led me to talk about one thing 2022 gave me: perspective.
Things took a bit of a funny turn in the summer. If a tit is a sentient being, my left one started misbehaving in August. Some odd things were going on, but nothing too alarming. Even so, considering the form things like this had on Mum's side of the family, I knew I had to get it checked out. My GP made an urgent referral to the breast clinic at Newham Hospital, and within days of that, I was lying down in an ultrasound room having a scan.
It was all relatively routine until the sonographer (who was lovely) said something that came as a shock.
"I've found a pronounced lump in your left breast".
"Oh, right". I didn't know what else to say in answer to that.
"We'll need to do a biopsy today".
I wasn't expecting to hear any of those words. I didn't feel anything unusual when I checked myself in the shower numerous times. My mind raced over how I could have missed finding the lump while lying on my side as the biopsy of it was taken.
Post-biopsy, I wasn't in a good space at all. While I waited for the results to come back, my head turned into fuzz. For weeks, unwelcome thoughts of the results being bad news sat on my mind. My grandmother and how we lost her crossed my mind. Although utterly detached from that side of my family, the women lost to cancer on my dad's side crossed my mind.
My results came back on 14th September. Inconclusive. They needed to repeat the biopsy, and I'd need to wait all over again.
30th September. My angry left boob and I were back at the hospital, getting prodded again.
My mental health was on a downward spiral, and concentrating on anything became a joke. Taking time out before I completely burned out was the only thing I could do to help myself. Yes, it may have come across as selfish, but I needed to dip between my medical confusion and responsibilities outside of that (carer duties and then some) to save myself.
I stepped back from work and social commitments. I felt like shit having to say no to things I had already said yes to, and I hoped that those I was letting down would understand. None of this was easy, but the few people behind the scenes I told about it and stuck with me at my most fraught, erratic and lowest points are the folks who undoubtedly saved my sanity.
All I could do after the second biopsy was, again, wait. But this time round, it was different. Dipping out and, as someone close to me put it, allowing myself to "get in your feelings" gave me clarity in my thoughts. If the news were bad, I'd have to deal with whatever came next. And if it were good, well - other than being over the moon, I'd deal with moving in a direction with life that was good for me.
At the end of October, I got the news from the second biopsy I had been hoping for. The relief was immense, but the sense of clarity and perspective was even greater. December, being back at Newham Hospital for what I mentioned earlier in this VeloMail wasn't great - but I'm slowly coming out of the other side of it and doing my best to keep a smile on my face for 2023...
I've said this a million times in various talks, and I'll repeat it; don't let anyone snatch your joy away. Don't let anybody try and claim your time off for something that does not make you happy. So do what works for you. Go at your own pace and enjoy your life.
All I want for 2023 is good health for myself and my loved ones.
Anything else is just extra icing on the cake. x
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